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I hope this letter finds you in a graveyard. There are cards that destroy you. There are cards that counter a spell. There are cards that create more magic cards and more interaction. And there is you.
You’re actually not even a magic card, you are a hostage situation that keeps on repeating. It’s groundhog day, but worse. For the younger kids out there, this was the most infuriating thing that could happen to you. End of turn, Capsize with buyback target your land. My turn? Nobody has ever resolved you, Capsize with buyback, and made people happy. Well, maybe the person casting you. Because this is probably how the game will look like every turn after this one.
Buyback is one of those mechanics that sounds cute until you realize it was designed by someone who looked at a bounce spell and thought:
“What if this never ended?”
“What if every permanent became a temporary suggestion?”
“What if board presence was just a rumor?”
“What if fun had summoning sickness and then got bounced before combat?”
“Is this real life? Or is this fantasy? Freddy, come in here!”
That’s you, Capsize. Repeat until the opponent starts chatgpt-ing ‘how to get away with murder’.
The smug part, that’s the real kicker. You’re not excited, but you just keep coming back, and back, and back. The smug face is getting bigger and bigger and bigger. Here’s a threat, not today my friend, Capsize with buyback to the rescue. It’s also that you don’t end games, you just show hatred extensively. Are we still playing? You feel like a hamster? Really? Tell me more.
I never conceded soon enough. And when I did it was not because I lost, it’s because I wanted to get out. This was my cry for help. My creatures were stuck in a merry-go-round where they showed up, ready to disappear again.
At some point you realize, we are not even playing anymore. We are just doing a routine, it’s not drama anymore. You don’t do drama, you like repetition. Capsize, you are the magic card that explains our Dutch happy hardcore music the most. For our Dutch readers, you are the ‘Hardcore will never dieeees’ guy screaming on top of his lungs at 04:00 AM putting his nike air max to the endurance test.
Yours in our eternal dance,
Yours in our eternal dance,
Yours in our eternal dance,
Danny
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