Dear Wasteland,

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Stop, let’s not start with ‘dear’. Salty boi Wasteland, you suck. Just FYI, you are never fun. People tell me, you are healthy for formats. Healthy? Nobody brings broccoli to a party and expects applause. You are the girl in the front of the class, screaming, ‘Teacher you forgot to give us homework!’

As you know, I loooove Premodern. I love the art, I love the games, I love the nostalgia and meeting with slightly older folks just like myself to have a great time with interactive gameplay. A magical place where people (should) cast Spiritmonger, Mirari’s Wake or Goblin Trenches. Instead we are often stuck with Nimble Mongoose or Goblin Lackey, followed up by you, you piece of trash.

Yes, you are garbage. You make funky decks into unplayable piles. Mana was bad back in the day, like really really bad. You’re like a Strip Mine with a fake moustache and glasses. Let’s say I wanted to play a 3-4-5 color Sliver deck, then my mana base will contain 4 basics, 20 non-basics and a lot of prayer drawing them in the right order. Buddy, I’m already playing Slivers, let me lose with dignity will ya. But it’s not only slivers, it’s every deck with more than 2 colors, every single one of them. Premodern has no Tron deck, no 3-4-5 color deck (Hermit Druid combo that wins on t3 does not count). You are meant to punish greed, however in my favourite format you punish any 2 color deck into non games. Decks like UG Madness, already want to run you, because yay, free non-games if we hit the right ones! Madness! 

But but! Let’s also talk about other formats like Vintage, Legacy, or even Cube. A common gameplay will be: People crack a fetchland, stare at the battlefield for twelve minutes like they’re solving climate change, find the dual they needed and pass the turn. Untap, you show up and immediately develop the facial expression of a chess grandmaster sacrificing a rook. My brother, you destroyed a Volcanic Island. You didn’t outplay Kasparov. But good for you, guess someone is not playing magic today. Peak gameplay, much wow, slowclap. Cubes with wasteland are trash, I said it, Hanjo will probably agree.

I have a dream.

I have a dream, that one day, Sliver Queen will leave the binder and fulfill her Premodern destiny and be cast before turn 12.

I have a dream, that one day, brewers will no longer have to fear this dusty uncommon from Tempest.

I have a dream, that one day, you will be replaced in every deck by a second Rishadan Port because at least that card has the decency to make eye contact before ruining my evening.

I have a dream, that one day, people will stop calling land destruction “interaction” with a straight face.

And when that glorious day comes…

I will rise! 

I will untap!

I will draw!

I will tap my non-basics, I will get all 5 colors into my mana pool. I will swim in it, I will prevail.

Yours as ‘someone who just kept a perfectly reasonable two-land hand’,

Danny