Dear Channel,

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You are straight-up boring. Yes I said it, this combo aficionado disapproves of you. Channel-Fireball is one of the Oldschool combos and used to be the go to MTG-site for all great content, yet I just called you boring. Was there ever a Channel game that was remotely interesting? Either you pop up on turn 1-2-3 and bring a giant Eldrazi or X-spell, or you pop up on turn 5+ and you are like an elderly guy in Bulgaria’s ‘Sunny Beach’ looking for an interesting conversation about energy consumption, absolutely pointless.

Every time I look at cube decklists and see your great name, but awful effect, I think to myself, yes this cube is trash. Magic is all about the interaction and the gathering. There has never been a good story about you. I’m sure however that you have many badbeat stories on your rap sheet of getting Emrakuled on turn 2 or Pest Infestationed for X, where X is the number of how many days in the week you are stupid, obnoxious and boring.

What a delightfully balanced, well-thought-out, totally-not-game-breaking masterpiece you are. Your design is so elegant. Pay life, get mana. That’s it. No pesky limitations, no awkward timing restrictions, no sense of shame. Just raw, unfiltered chaos. It’s like someone saw the careful balance of strategy and thought, LEEEROY JENKINS, lets speedrun this game.

Maybe I’m a romantic, I like subtle Magic cards. I like trickery, small intricate combinations of funky cards. I like complexity and I wish all cards were like that. So this is what I ask of you: get banned, disappear from cubes, stop being in my matches. Thanks, but no thanks, useless piece of cardboard.

Yours in life-drained frustration,

Danny